Moving out

I need to find a space where my head doesn't have me in it.

Moving out of one's own head is a challenge cos its a comfortable place.

I know I'm gonna find it hard.

Its like saying goodbye to a car you've had your whole life.Its warm and familiar and there's a lot of holes and dents in it, but each one has a story. That crazy bender, that last substance binge.

Large holes in memory ripped out in exchange for the elation of a night spent outside myself.

I guess thats the problem mainly. Ive become used to escaping myself the artificial way, either by way of intoxicant or warm flesh, in a packed dance floor or dark room. So much so accomplishing the same feat au naturel is almost a new experience.

I'm a tick that got too comfortable in some rabbit's fur and now the vet's tweezers are coming and I still don't move.

To draw inspiration from Twain I could meet my doppleganger who's a prince of some far off land and switch places with him. He could enjoy my anxieties and existential despair to his hearts content and I could settle in to becoming a spoilt rich kid, maybe even get my own episode on Cribs.

Only one problem with that, you know any exotic Indian princes wanna switch places with a kid from the arse end of Asia?

What would a shrink say?

I've never been to one so I'll have to imagine something from the famous ones in the books. Freud would say my need to escape myself is my conscious mind's response to my guilt about wanting to bed my mother. Maslow would tell me to get to the top of the pyramid and call him in the morning. Pavlov would offer me a candy bar and ring a bell. Fat lot of good they are.

Except for the candy bar part.

That would make me feel better for about 5 minutes, then I'd have to wait till he rang the bell again.

*salivate*

The easiest way maybe is to fall in love, have someone else move in to your head. A house mate of sorts. One who doesn't pay rent and gives you more anxieties than you already had. Like biting the inside of your mouth when you stub your toe. Pain and discomfort to replace a pre existing condition.

I compare my psyche to a disease, but don't get me wrong. Its not like AIDS or cancer, but more like Tourett's or a nervous muscle twitch in the corner of your eye.. Its something you can get used to and even enjoy after a while. But it would be nice not to have it for a weekend or two.

Saying that I wish you all a Merry Jesusallahbuddha and a good night.

bali 10 part deux

bali 10

Close the curtains, put on a movie and dream of a rainy day. I see this as an intervention to my waking life from my sleeping one. I was once a class room day-dreamer, and I painted in the air of my class great battles for love and justice. I have ceased to dream in my days so I spend these slow days trapped in a cage with bars made of dripping water slowly travelling the aether with half closed eyes from between the folds of my blanket.

Photographical asplosion

Easing into working life has created in me a need to stay productive in something outside work. And I've been revisiting my old love of photography.

Combine that with some awesome art festivals and shows recently and this is what you get.

Its a weird kind of frustrating to want nothing to lose living in a system where you take on obligations for for cash. Its an oxymoronical situation I am in.

A silly thing called society

In the recent years I've come to realize a quality of this beast that is humanity. It is easily blinded and distracted; it is easy to subdue and tame.

It is obvious to anyone who looks at it subjectively. We support a system of government that is flawed by definition, simply because there has never been a strong enough realization and mobilization of people to make it so.

It's so easy to make anything become truth, if you use the media. Though it may sound like the ideas of a paranoid mind, I strongly disbelieve anything I see in the mainstream media. The dream machines in the ad agencies churn out images and ideas that are so irresistible it becomes second nature to accept them as truth.

I could rant about this for hours. But the truth is, I do believe we're pass the point where we could survive without the mass media. All I can do is hope that the right people are channeling the money into the right causes.

We have the technology and the capability to transcend to the next evolution of society,a second renaissance, but its just the hive mentality of mankind thats hard to convince.