Saturday, August 21, 2010

Moving out

I need to find a space where my head doesn't have me in it.

Moving out of one's own head is a challenge cos its a comfortable place.
I know I'm gonna find it hard.
Its like saying goodbye to a car you've had your whole life.Its warm and familiar and there's a lot of holes and dents in it, but each one has a story. That crazy bender, that last substance binge.

Large holes in memory ripped out in exchange for the elation of a night spent outside myself.

I guess thats the problem mainly. Ive become used to escaping myself the artificial way, either by way of intoxicant or warm flesh, in a packed dance floor or dark room. So much so accomplishing the same feat au naturel is almost a new experience.

I'm a tick that got too comfortable in some rabbit's fur and now the vet's tweezers are coming and I still don't move.

To draw inspiration from Twain I could meet my doppleganger who's a prince of some far off land and switch places with him. He could enjoy my anxieties and existential despair to his hearts content and I could settle in to becoming a spoilt rich kid, maybe even get my own episode on Cribs.

Only one problem with that, you know any exotic Indian princes wanna switch places with a kid from the arse end of Asia?

What would a shrink say?
I've never been to one so I'll have to imagine something from the famous ones in the books. Freud would say my need to escape myself is my conscious mind's response to my guilt about wanting to bed my mother. Maslow would tell me to get to the top of the pyramid and call him in the morning. Pavlov would offer me a candy bar and ring a bell. Fat lot of good they are.
Except for the candy bar part.
That would make me feel better for about 5 minutes, then I'd have to wait till he rang the bell again.

The easiest way maybe is to fall in love, have someone else move in to your head. A house mate of sorts. One who doesn't pay rent and gives you more anxieties than you already had. Like biting the inside of your mouth when you stub your toe. Pain and discomfort to replace a pre existing condition.

I compare my psyche to a disease, but don't get me wrong. Its not like AIDS or cancer, but more like Tourett's or a nervous muscle twitch in the corner of your eye.. Its something you can get used to and even enjoy after a while. But it would be nice not to have it for a weekend or two.

Saying that I wish you all a Merry Jesusallahbuddha and a good night.


  1. I liked this. But change is all that is definite, what must exist must change as well. It's just sad to think that what's so natural is probably the hardest thing anyone have to do in their lives.

  2. Change is what I want. Its not happening. The mind is only thing of ourselves we are constantly aware of, so you will never notice the change.

    Whatever it is, this was just to share some thoughts. You can never really change your psyche. Its more like it changes you.