Sunday, March 20, 2011

Things I Learnt While Working At A Toys "R" Us Over A Weekend

1. Barbie is a whore who's made her millions roleplaying sex fantasies(sexy computer engineer, hello?) for trust-fund douchebags, i.e. Ken

2.Infant gyms are an excuse for parents to pretend their babies are action figures and play make believe with other parents for a few hours

3. Kids will stare at you if you play with the toys on display

3.1. A 6 year old can have a surprisingly hurtful cockstare

4. Kids can leave the house in glittery fairy wings and no one cares. I do it and I get stopped by the cops.

5. A tranformer toy that transforms itself is pointless

6.The line "Darling its better, down where it's wetter" from Little Mermaid's Under The Sea is a dirty dirty line when taken out of context. Moreso if you add the fact thats its being sung by a crab.

(thanks to michelle for that childhood raping gem)

7. Toys "R" Us staff are all either dead inside, or have the mental firmament of Jesus Christ himself.

8. If I ever have a kid, all he/she's getting are Lego's or books till they're old enough to have impulse control.

9. Stuffed animals with simulated bone structures are fucking creepy. Period.

10. If push came to shove I could justify buying an RM 500 AT-AT model as a social welfare donation i.e. it soothes my inner child thus preventing it from waking up in the middle of the night and killing vagrants.

11."MOMMY I WANT THAT MOMMY I WANT THAT MOMMY I WAAAAANT THAAAAAAAAAT!!!" sounds like its coming from inside your skull no matter how far the kid is from you

In closing, fuck kids. Condoms are too passive for me now. I need to aggressively prevent children. Im thinking "Penis Armor".

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