Wednesday, March 20, 2013

7 books

In my library, there are 7 books.

1. I have both an ocean and a deep fire in my head and heart. I fall freely in my ocean, converting thought into breath. I adore this tiny infinity because I am warm and understood here. I bring puzzles and mysteries and ideas here to unravel them and to dissolve their length and depth in my ocean. In here I keep the galaxies and the spaces in between. In here I experience gravity and entropy and relativity as emotional bursts of color and sound. From my ocean I can feel the breath of the universe, follow the rise and fall of the stellar membrane that pulls us all together. In my ocean I float, unburdened and complete.
2 My fire is both terrible and profound.Its heat burns the inside of me into charcoal black and leaves me feeling like weightless ash and dust . It burns a deep orange and reaches out from the space between my heart and my feet and makes me want to run away. My fire takes too much and gives very little, but it gives a light to see through this world . My fire glows sadness and too many goodbyes, it reflects against the edges of my consciousness to shine on me and envelop me in unforgiving light. Bathing in the liquid core of my tiny raging sun, I am lost.

3. I will love you violently, absolutely, and without compromise, in short to medium bursts of time. I don't have the capacity to love at an even burn. Or maybe it's just that I haven't discovered the room in my head where I keep the ability to do that. But some day I might just open a door and know how to love you everyday every time and everywhere. But in the moments where my love is infinite and strong you will be the sun and stars to my tired eyes and the silver rain that falls at sunset.

4. When I was a little boy I danced with God. He told me stories and gave me heroes to play with, but he forgot to make me believe in him. So in my dance I drifted away and found the universe to be brighter and closer to me than any of God's stories. The universe told me that I was hydrogen in a star, an ice crystal in the tail of a comet, that I was warmed by the heart of the earth; that I was darkness and light and that I was once everything, as you were once everything, but we forgot.

5. Music can stretch and shape me to fill the containers the world presents. One vibration melts me while another can turn me into diamond. It is both fuel and a safety net when I let my mind fly away from me. It binds people together into groups that I call friends. It rescues me daily. It is a friend that doesn't judge your addictions and fears.

6. I am continually amazed by the process of being human. I am afraid of mediocrity and simplicity, I am afraid that I won't go insane someday and that I won't die gloriously. I am afraid that my life will be filled with absolute values and unmoving resolve. I am thrilled by chaos, by not understanding. I strive to always not understand, so that I will never run out of new moments. I worry that I won't see fireworks when I kiss you on the beach at sunset. I worry that I will pass away into this grey night, and not leave enough color behind in the world to satiate my conscience. I am terrified that one day, love will not be enough, and for that day I am sorry.

7. Give me the words to tell you my secrets and I will give them to you gladly. Tell me that you smell of old books and I will love you forever. Words fill every corner of my mind and soul and eyes wide open. I stand in the eye of this storm to scream aphorisms and alliteration back into the swirling mess. I write because I am not human if I don't. The words raised me and showed me life and love and hurt and moonlight and honey and your breath after we kiss. The words allow me to show you the dust motes trapped in the light of your eyes and the scent of coffee and cigarette smoke.Without words I am without hope.

 And with this word, it ends.

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